The Perfect First Date

After seeing nonsensical posts the past week about how having 3-hour first dates are OK -- I had to set the record straight on what first dates are and what you should be doing on them.

The Psychology of Social Proof

NEWS: We brought on a new writer to our team to produce great content here. His name is Jamie Bardwell and you can get to know him more on our Staff Page.

Take it away, Jamie...

One of the most fascinating psychological principles that have been shown to influence how attractive people find you is the concept of Social Proof. 

This simple, yet highly influential mechanism can help drive women to you and boost your level of attractiveness. 

What is Social Proof?

When you take a woman out, or whenever you meet female in a club or in the bar, she will be unconsciously filtering in information to gauge how other people around are reacting to you. If the people around you respond to you in a positive way, this provides her with social proof that you are worthy of her time, and increases her attraction to you. 

Based on this cognitive bias, it's more likely that women will find the same guy more attractive if he is talking with a group of people and having a great time as opposed to standing there on his own. 

At an unconscious level, she is judging your general impact on your social surroundings. She's gauging whether other people are pleased to be around you, and your level of integration and engagement with other people, and whether they're eager to interact with you in return. 

If other people regard you in a positive light, you are creating what's known as a positive social proof effect! That is, people are responding positively to you in the environment, which leads everybody else to adopt a similar perspective (without ever having to talk to you or meet you), purely based on the opinions of others in the environment.

In attraction terms, creating a positive social proof effect and interacting with others around you substantially increases the likelihood of women finding you attractive, and can dramatically increase your success with women. 

“Generate the "social proof" effect, no matter where you are.” Tweet this.

How to generate a social proof effect … 

You should always be looking for opportunities to engage with other people in the environment, and across different situational contexts. It doesn't matter if they are male or female; the idea is to get a strong social impact by engaging people near you. 

There are no limits to how you can create a social proof effect. If you're in a bar, you might want to create small talk with the bar staff and bouncers. If you're on a nightclub dance floor, and you see a group of people doing the same dance, cheekily copy their dance moves! 

Imagine you’re at a bar and a group in front of you orders a tray of shots…. 

You     -  "Hey guys what shots are they, I don’t think I’ve tried them before" 

Group - "They're a mixture of different ones, sambuca, apple sours & jager" 

You     -  "What's that green one? I've never tried that before but it looks tasty as hell"

Group -  "You gotta try it, it's the nicest one"

You     -  "Thanks for your advice, I’m gonna order myself one of those! If it's disgusting, you guys owe me a drink!" *smiles

Creating a positive social proof effect can take many forms, and requires that you adapt to the demands of the situation. Be on the lookout for ways you can communicate with people in the context. Particularly, if people know who you are and you have a reputation in certain places (it doesn’t have to be bars or nightclubs), providing it's a positive reputation, this can create the desired social proof effect. 

Overall, social proof is an important factor that can significantly enhance your success with women at a subconscious level, and provide women with a certain degree of confidence about your social nature, which cognitively biases their judgment of you beyond their conscious awareness. If others find you a blast to be around, and there is enough evidence stemming from our people’s perceptions of you that you’re a great guy, your chances of success will skyrocket! 

5 Keys to a First Date

There are a lot of rules and guidelines for successful first dates.

Instead of reading through all the nonsense, I will just tell you the 5 things that are most important to remember.

Never do dinner as a first date

It baffles me to this day why guys continue to believe dinner dates are great first dates.

Dinner dates set up two things: 

1. An obligation of her time. Knowing that she HAS to stay a specific amount of time, she’ll feel pressured to stay longer than she may want to and immediately puts her in a different mindset. 

2. An obligation of your money, where dinner dates cost an average of $140. If you’re lucky enough to have 2-3 first dates a week, that adds up VERY quickly.

The first date is really about getting to know each other and building on physical chemistry. 

It is not about how much money you have to throw around. This also begs the question of why would you invest so much in a woman you don’t even know.

First dates generally should be just two people having drinks in a fun environment. This allows the two of you to focus on each other and not worrying if you’re practicing good dining etiquette.

And yes, guys, the same rule applies here: pick up the tab on the drinks.

PRO TIP: If you had a good time, let her know you’ll pick up this round and she’ll get the next one.” Her reaction will be a great way to gauge her interest for a second date.

“It baffles me to this day why guys continue to believe dinner dates are great first dates.” Tweet this.

First date expectations are set by how you ask her out

The word “date” sounds very formal, and although there are some women who like to hear the word, it creates expectations that build unnecessary pressure for you.

Instead, say, “I’d love to take you out for a drink (notice the singular in “drink.”) [add date and other specifics],” or if you want to be even more casual, “let’s get together for a drink...”

In context of a good conversation with a woman that’s attracted to you, it works well and comes out perfectly natural.

Do not meet up with friends, whether hers or yours

Never agree to this kind of date, nor set your date as such. All this says is, “I don’t value you enough to give you time alone with me.”

If she really likes you, she’ll make time to be alone with you. It’s as simple as that.

Friday and Saturday night first dates are not recommended

Most people go out on Friday and Saturday nights so any place you’d like to take her will likely be crowded and noisy, making it hard to connect with her.

Also, these are what I consider “high-value” nights, where most will have plans to go out, hang with friends, and even hope to meet someone. These dates are very important to those people and will typically not want to sacrifice them for someone they don’t know, no matter how exciting they may be about the date.

Your best bet is to set up a date any other day. Personally, my favorite nights are Thursdays and Tuesdays. Expectations will be more realistic and you won’t need to be full of “party-style” energy in order to match the environment you would on a weekend night.

Take her to a place that is comfortable and on the quieter side

On first dates, the environment should hint at some intimacy. This will better allow you two to find out if there’s a “spark.”

Good places to take your date are venues that are on the smaller side, have some charm (artwork, a rustic ambiance, etc.), and doesn’t play terribly loud music.

Guys always ask me what’s the ideal seating arrangement for first dates. The answer is simple. You want to be sitting next to her, not across. This is one of a million reasons why dinner dates are so awful.

Ideally, it would be great to sit on a couch but if that’s not an option, sitting together at the bar is fine.

You want to focus on being interesting and interested on the date and you don’t want the environment to distract you from those two things.

Remember, if she’s going out on a date with you, she’s already attracted to you -- that’s one battle won. There’s no need to go out of your way to impress her. This date is ONLY about you two getting to know each other and deciding if a future is promising.

Sex, Dreams, and Dating

Our dreams say a lot about who we are. What they also tell is how our perceptions deceive us when we're awake -- especially when it comes to dating.

It’s no surprise America is the most sexually repressed country in the world. We were constantly told growing up that thinking dirty thoughts are wrong.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Our brains are naturally wired to think about reproduction. It’s completely natural to think about wanting to have sex with someone.

In the Matrix (you knew a Matrix reference was coming), Mouse told Neo, 

“To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.”

Tweet this.

But first, let’s talk about the myth that women don’t think, or in this case, dream about sex.

Nearly 9 out of 10 men dream about sex

We all know that men do -- and it’s true. To this day, many men still believe having sexual thoughts are bad. So instead, they dream about it. And men dream about sex a ton.

Well, researchers at the University of Montreal have been collecting data over the last 11 years, and found over 73 percent of women confessed to dream about sex. 

Nearly 3 out of every 4 women dream about sex

This stat isn’t just to prove thinking about sex is a completely normal thing. It’s for guys to understand that it’s necessary to be open and authentic about your intentions with women.

When you don’t let her know you’re sexually attracted to her, you’re basically telling yourself what you are feeling is wrong. The reality is it’s very likely the woman you’re talking to is thinking very similar thoughts.

And as much as she’s thinking about it, it’s even MORE taboo for her to be the one acting on those feelings, so it’s imperative you open the door, make your intentions known, and get her in a state where she feels comfortable opening up to you sexually.

Both men and women are insecure -- in different ways

Other interesting facts from this same study conclude men and women are sub-consciously insecure in different ways.

While guys are dreaming of flying through the air and saving the world from its constant impending doom, women on the other hand dream about things such as being paralyzed by fear, failing exams, and dying.

The total irony is when they’re awake, men and women project completely different attitudes, especially when it comes to dating. Men lack "superhero" courage and are fearful of approaching or trying to attract woman; and women put their guards up, projecting confidence and making men feel out of their league, when in reality, they fear making a bad choice in choosing a man.

With this new information, you can see a balance exists between how both men and women outwardly behave and what they sub-consciously think. So, it comes down to this:

In the dating world, we are all equal

So guys, the next time you see an attractive woman, understand if you try to approach and make a connection with her, not only may she be physically attracted to you, but there's also a chance she’s just as nervous as you.

Don’t let her external beauty prevent you from finding out how much beauty exists internally -- the more important of the two.