How to Maintain Conversations with Women?
For over two years, I’ve had clients and the general population of men ask me the same question when it comes to talking to a woman.
“What do I say next?”
For many men, it’s a serious problem because not knowing what to say will inevitably lead to a whole lot of silence, even more awkwardness and an end to what could have been an amazing conversation with a really attractive woman. Some guys are becoming more and more comfortable with approaching and starting conversations with women and then they hit this roadblock.
“Ok, so I approached her and I got her to smile. She gave me her name and now she knows mine. Now what?”
Well, to really understand the answer, we have to really look into a couple myths and squash them once and for all.
Awkward silence is NOT awkward. Men (and even women) have this belief that silence in a conversation is a bad thing and feel compelled to fill it in with SOMETHING. I am here to tell you that it is NOT true. When two people make a connection, talking about something passionate or get into a serious conversation, there needs to be a time to have a “conversational exhale.” That happens when you actually need to sit and take in what just happened and soak it in a little. Some people will sit there in silence and think to themselves. Others may just jump into another conversational topic right away. Either way, this is another way to finds out about someone’s method of thinking and it can help you better connect. In the end, if there is silence (for just a few seconds), it’s not always a bad thing.
Conversation is mostly up to the man. Yup, I said it. Yes, one of the goals is to have her talk about herself and find ways to relate to her (and she may talk more than you throughout the conversation) but in the end, as the man who approached her, you are in charge to directing the conversation and determining where it goes. It’s as simple as that. To help yourself, think about some talking points that you’d like to mention. Your initial conversation with someone who could be a potential mate can also serve as a way to find out if she holds the basic qualities of someone who you’d actually be interesting in getting to know. So if you are into travel, make sure you bring up something about traveling, whether that may be flat out asking her a direct question,
“Traveling is such a major part of my life. Do you ever get a chance to travel?”
or you can just tell a story,
“It’s funny you mention that. I went to Jamaica a couple of months ago and it was such an awesome time. I got to try out this amazing fruit fusion drink and it had all of these fruits that I’ve never had before. I love being able to go to different places, experience unique cultures and try interesting food.”
Both can serve as a “test,” to see whether she possess that same quality. Because, if you are a traveler and she doesn’t like to fly, you two may not be to fully get along.
But if you are afraid to just randomly make a statement, you can also try this. The only disclaimer is that you have to do something that most men find difficult.
Listening to what she is saying.
It’s really important for you to listen to what she is saying so that you can easily be able to relate to her with your own statement. For example, let’s say you hear a song by Eve6 playing in the bar and you say,
"I like this song. I love Eve6.”
And she says,
“Yeah, I like this song too."
You can follow up by saying,
“You know, I saw them live once at the Hatshell in Boston. You would think that a band like that wouldn’t be a good performing group but they were awesome. Have you ever been to Boston?”
She may say yes, then you two can talk about places that the both of you have seen and what you thought about it. Or she can say no and then you inquire about two things.
A. If she likes to travel
Or,
B. If she’s seen a live performance.
Either way, by following up with what she is saying (even if it may not seem as much), you can create paths of conversation and directing it where you’d like it to go.
I’m not saying that it’s easy. Takes some time, listening and practice, but after a while, conversation will definitely get easier.
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What is E & O?
E & O. It’s all about E & O. You have heard me say this a lot lately. It’s my mantra. You’ve even heard it from other people as well. For a glimpse of a perspective of E & O, check out Cort Johnson’s blog post. You can learn a lot about energy and having amazing conversation filled with passion. My interpretation of E & O is very similar and it creates what I’d like to call, the Maximum Bloom.
The E stands for energy. Energy is passion. Talking about what you care about, what’s important to you and what you value in life, whether that may be who you are, your family or your life. Your energy comes from your beliefs. Your energy comes from your friends or people that inspire you. Your energy comes from what you love. Your energy is what keeps you going, keeps you engaged and firing on all cylinders. It’s what brings people together. It’s what keeps people coming back for more. Energy is the new common cold. Anyone can catch it but the difference is, everyone wants it.
The O stands for optimism. Optimism is all about being positive about life. Whatever the circumstances are, no matter how tough things can be, being optimistic about the outcome will enhance many of your experiences in life. I break optimism into three different pieces.
Positive feelings. How do you actually have a positive feeling? Well, that is hard to explain but I can explain it from my perspective. When I think of anything, I think about the positive aspect of things. My positive feelings derive from my positive beliefs. When people ask me about whether or not I think something is going to happen, I usually say, “I don’t think. I know.” That knowing is the feeling that I have within me. When I think about my dating life, I KNOW that I am a quality person, I KNOW I have value to provide to someone and I KNOW that when the time is right, I deserve to and will be with someone amazingly special to share our worlds together. It’s as simple as that. No hesitation, no doubt. When it comes to my business, I KNOW my business will be beneficial to anyone that works with me, I KNOW things are going to work out for me in the long-term and I KNOW that I will make an impact not just in the dating world, but the world in general. These are VERY big statements to say but that’s what I wholeheartedly believe. I can feel it. That’s where positive feelings come from. Any positive belief that has an inkling of doubt turns into a limiting belief.
Positive determination. How bad do you want it? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? What are you willing to sacrifice? If there is any doubt, you don’t want it bad enough. Yup, it is as simple as that. Telling yourself that no matter how long it’s going to take, you won’t stop until you reach your goal is determination. Determination is what isn’t going to let you be outworked by anyone else. It’s what makes you die on the treadmill. It’s what makes you never give up or back down. I’ve referenced Will Smith before and I’ll reference him again. If you want to know what determination is all about, listen to what he has to say about how hard he had to work to his rise to the top and how much more he has to work to stay there.
Positive action. This is the part that most people in this world cannot do. They get themselves so fired up and raring to go and they do absolutely NOTHING. Action is the only thing that’s left in your weaponry. If you do nothing, you will get nothing. All of that energy, all of those feelings, all of those beliefs will just go to the wayside. Of course, the actions that you take should be productive and add to your ability to reach your goal. In others words, I want to see it. Stop talking about it and make it happen.
The Maximum Bloom. I can honestly say that if you bring the E & O, not only will your conversations change, but also your life will change for the better. Stay focused, commit, be persistent and don’t be afraid of failing. You will mostly likely have to fail first before you can succeed.
It’s all about the E & O.
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E & O and a Little Bit of PR
How do you build loyalty in a world of infidelity and infinite choice? Well when it comes to dating, I talk a little bit of PR.
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What I Really Learned While on Vacation
It was my first trip back to Jamaica in 6 years. My family is from there and although I could have stayed with family, I decided to stay at an all-inclusive resort. Considering that I was staying with my older sister, brother-in-law, nephew and my mother, there wasn’t anyone that I could REALLY hang and party with while I was there. So I was on my own, which meant one thing. I had to create my own fun. Part of that was making new friends.
Here is one thing that you should think about wherever you are – especially when you’re on vacation. If you see someone you’d like to talk to, go and approach them. Chances are, you’ll never see them again, they are NOT going to blow you off (pending you’re not creepy), and if you do get rejected and there is any shame, you can leave it at the vacation spot. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO LOSE.
When I went to the bar, I began talking with the bartenders, who were relatively young (around my age), and our conversation sparked conversation with other people at the bar. By the end of the first night out, I had made about 4 or 5 friends that I could hang out with while on vacation.
When it came to women, I feel when you’re on vacation, you should feel as though there is more room for mistakes because under the pretense of having nothing to lose, you can afford to make a couple errors. I’ll tell you what. The same thing applies when you’re back home. If a woman makes direct eye contact with you, she is telling you it’s ok to approach her. One night, a woman and I were exchanging eye contact throughout the night. I was having a good time with friends so I was in no rush force things. When I finally approached her, we ended up having a great time and spent a lot of our vacation together. There were other women who I talked to and made connections with but it all happened because I took action on a present opportunity. You need to do the same too, no matter where you are.
It’s not about being cool or letting her know how awesome you are. It’s about having fun and not caring about what could happen. You only have the ability to work with what IS happening at the moment and what you can MAKE happen.
Learn to spread your energy and your value wherever you are. People find that kind of personality infectious and they will gravitate toward you. I remember (for the most part – I had A LOT of alcohol while on vacation) every night I was talking with a different group of people. Some were my age, others were married couples that’ve been married forever, some had just got married, and so forth. I was listening to their stories and I was sharing mine. By the end of the night, people were dying to hang out with me again. And by the end of my vacation, everyone knew who I was at the bar. Bartenders knew me by first name and we taking care of me first (which helped my mother and brother-in-law get served a little quicker whenever they needed a drink). Some people threw a farewell get together for me on my last night. I even had people who were in the lobby looking for me when it was time for me to checkout and leave. It was one of the best true vacations that I have ever been on.
Since I’ve been back, there has been a drive stronger than anything I’ve had since I’ve started this blog and this company. My relaxation is at an optimal level. My sister said it best. “Dude, if you were any more relaxed, you’d be dead.” The vacation was a deal-changer in the sense that it’s changed my perspective on time, value, energy and everything else that’s important to me. The game has changed and that game is my life.
I am not boasting for the hell of it. These people were awesome and I plan on keeping in touch with as many of them as possible. I had an amazing time and these are the types of things that I have always taught my clients and blogged about incessantly. I hope you guys can take these tips and my experiences and make them your own. Whether you are in your hometown and know a lot of people or on vacation and know absolutely no one, you can make your experience an amazing one if you just let go, take some risks and live in the NOW instead of the future of POSSIBILTY and FEAR.
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