The Value of Coaching

dating-coach-do-you-need-one.jpg

Here I am on a flight to New York City coming from San Francisco. I'm thinking about all of the great conversations had this past weekend about coaching and how excited people are about The Professional Wingman bringing its services to the "Best Coast."

I remember back in the day when I used to try to convince people what we do can make a significant difference in people's lives. I also remember the proud responses of, "I'd rather figure it out on my own," "I don't need a coach, I just need to [enter magic bullet] and then I'll be set," and my favorite, "that's for people who are hopeless -- I'm not like those guys."

Nearly 500 clients later, marriages, relationships, and hundreds of media features later, We've gone past trying to convince people. The proof from our clients and people who only take the FREE advice I give online or on the blog, is more than enough. In my thinking of all of this, I came across the perfect article of how having a coach can make a world of difference in your life -- in a very short amount of time.

Who was the client? None other than Andy Murray. This article, written by David Foster [original article], is about Andy getting a coach and how that got him to finally win Wimbledon for himself and his country. I hope this inspires you as it did me.

**Enter David** 

18 Months To A World Title

In center court stands the winner – eighteen months of sweat and toil now a memory, a story of the road to the top.

But there was someone behind the scenes. The one who put the final piece in the puzzle. He’s driven by bringing the best out of people. But what exactly is he doing back there?

Andy Murray, Scotland’s first Wimbledon singles champion since Harold Mahony in 1896, can tell you. His man behind the scenes was his coach, Ivan Lendl, who believed in him. Lendl, a legend himself, started coaching Murray last year.

He sits quietly in the background, when those around him are shouting and screaming. Everyone’s emotions are running high, but not his.

He knows how to focus under pressure. He’s been there, got the t-shirt, done the hard yards. He knows and understands what it takes to turn thousands of little pieces into a winning picture, and how each piece needs to be just right. He also knows it takes hard work, focus and dedication, while moving towards a vision.

He’s always been very honest with me and told me exactly what he thought, and in tennis that’s not easy to do …

He knows that the vision depends on the execution of the right plan. He’s been there, right beside Murray, every step of the way for the last 18 months, ensuring that the right pieces placed in the right places culminate in that vision. He’s used his breadth of experience to see the whole. He’s asked the challenging questions, and he cares about finding the right answers. He’s identified areas to improve his player’s game and diagnosed his weak points and technique. But rather than focusing on his weaknesses, he’s recommended how to turn them into strengths. He’s re-framed his player’s mindset – helped him understand the big picture – sat with him and helped him realize he has what it takes, not just to finish the picture, but to create a masterpiece.

It’s taken time and investment, but look at the result.

And while hundreds of people helped him on his way, Murray acknowledged Lendl for doing two of the three things that a great coach does to earn their fee: Challenge and Care.

“He’s always been very honest with me and told me exactly what he thought, and in tennis that’s not easy to do in a player/coach relationship.” “He’s fantastic, he has been patient and I thank him.”

And the third thing a great coach is? Competent. Lendl had that one covered too.

There were, of course, a lot of things that happened behind the scenes, but the most important thing was Lendl being the one person in Murray’s life who understood what it’s like to stand where he was standing and deal with the pressure, who earned his credibility by walking his talk.

It’s always been interesting to me why so many businesspeople have trouble making that leap. It’s just not possible to play a sport at any kind of competitive level without a coach. The top leaders in business are realizing that the same is true in their world. You’d be surprised how many of your competitors now work with business coaches, though they might not admit it to you. What’s in the way of you giving yourself this resource?

Eighteen months is how long it took Murray, under Ivan Lendl’s guidance and coaching, to win Wimbledon. What could you achieve in your business if you made it that kind of a priority?

How to Date in Today's World

This is the third and final email I sent out to members of the Wingman Labs. Here's the first -- and the second. With the way dating (and people) have evolved over two decades, it's important to reassess whether your approach to dating is going to work with the kind of women you'd like to meet. If not, you should take time and think about whether or not a change is imminent.

The answer.

I’m sitting on a flight heading back to NYC, reading some of the responses I’ve received based on the emails I’ve sent out this week. I was supposed to send this yesterday but the reaction I received made me stop and think more about what was going on.

I’ve had people loving, hating, unsubscribing, sharing, and subscribing in such polarity it was fascinating. So I’d like to break down the specific strategies for both men and women now on how to actually have relationships with quality men and women. Ladies first.

Ladies, It’s really important to understand what guys have to go through in order to have you as a girlfriend. For many of my male readers here, that’s their ultimate goal -- it might even be to marry you. Mainstream society has dictated that the way to go about this is to take you out, and constantly prove his value to you until you “give in,” typically through materialistic things like money, toys, and gifts.

While I’m sure those things are nice, these guys haven’t been the ones you’ve “converted” into a relationship. The #1 reason amongst my female clients for why that happens is, “they didn’t feel a spark.” That spark most of them were talking about was physical chemistry that, when you think about it, is the jumpstart to any relationship.

The guys who my female clients DO feel more attracted to are the guys who understand the importance of physical chemistry -- and they push things toward that intimacy. It’s great to be with a guy who goes after what he wants, right? 

At times, the problem with this is once women go through the experience, they forget about the followthrough until it’s too late. These guys end up becoming as far from boyfriend material as possible. Realizing their “poor judgment,” they end the relationship and start the process back over again, thinking things will be different.

I’m here to tell you that what you’re attracted to will not change. You want a guy who knows what he wants. You want a guy to flirt with you and lead intimacy. You also want a guy who is nice, caring, considerate, will take you out, and get you flowers all the time. 

I get it -- if you want this guy, here’s how you get him. There are guys who will lead by showing you their boyfriend material and others who will show you they’re not by pushing toward intimacy. 

If you meet the former, make more attempts to open up to him physically by initiating the flirting to see how he responds. These guys tend to look for an OK to be flirty. And while that may not be ideal, I’d like you to consider this: he might just need that one sign and he’ll be good to go.

If you meet the latter, it’s OK to have your guard up a little but what you should focus on is his followthrough. If you know that the chemistry is great, look to see if he’s exhibiting other signs that can make him less of just an intimate connection and more long-term potential, like setting dates in advance, spending weekend time with you, and thoughtful tokens of appreciation or desire (flowers, your favorite candy, etc.).

For guys, it’s rather simple.

If you’re interested in her, express that genuine interest with intention to take her out on a date her as quickly as possible. If you are interested in her and want to see her again, tell her so and If you can see her within a few days, it’ll greatly improve your chances. No, it doesn’t come off desperate -- it comes off as a man who knows what he wants.

Keep dates simple. Drinks in a fun environment are good dates because it keeps the spotlight on you two so you can get to know each other.

Physically escalate. The #1 difference between friends and lovers is a kiss. Do everything you can to get her to a point where she’d like to kiss you. Intimacy and romance goes hand-in-hand and you can’t have one without the other in the initial stages of courtship.

In the end, the best thinking to go about it is to stop trying to be her boyfriend. I say this for two reasons.

  1. You’ve been trying that all this time and it hasn’t gotten the results you want. It’s time to do something different.
  2. Women are used to guys doing the same “try-hard” moves to impress her. She wants to be with a guy who’s comfortable with who he is around women, isn’t treating them any differently out of vanity, knows what they want, and aren’t apologetic about it. 

Of course, being fun, engaging, and considerate are all important too, but the point here is to remove whatever you learned about courtship and learn to become open to what really goes on in today’s dating world. 

This may conflict with your morals, religious beliefs, past experiences, or what have you, but in my 5 years of working with men and women on how to not only meet someone but be in a long-term relationship, these strategies have proven to be the most effective for both men and women.

How Speed Kills In Dating

This is the email two of three that I sent out to the members of the Wingman Labs. Here's the first one. While reading this, think about where your maturity / experience level is and how it can affect your dating.

Speed.

And we're not talking about the Keanu Reeves movie.The major theme we're discussing here is speed in courtship. This is inspired by a client who was having issues moving past the third date with quality and compatible women over several months.

When a man likes a woman, he will typically work really hard in the courtship process to show that he's a viable candidate for a long-term relationship. But the problem will typically lie with how they go about it.

Guys who are inexperienced will typically take things much slower, spending tons of time and money, trying to prove to women that they are total long-term (read: boyfriend) material. Traditional thinking would say this works. The problem is it doesn't because there is another guy who is working hard to show her that he's NOT boyfriend material.

And it's working.

Think about it -- there are many women who will deny liking the "bad boy," yet they somehow find themselves in relationships with these guys they "don't like." What needs to be understood here is women are attracted to some of the qualities "bad boys" project -- qualities you probably have but never project because you're worried it's not what she's looking for in a boyfriend.

Get it now?

This isn't about trying to have sex with her as quickly as possible -- although it does play a role in the courtship process in today's dating world. This is about making intimacy a higher priority over romance. Once the intimacy is established, you can then ramp up the romance once you decide you'd like to be her boyfriend.

For women, this is important to understand so you don't get caught up with these "bad boys." How can you tell the difference? For one, "bad boys" will never change their behavior after they have sex with you. They won't ramp up romance or try to position themselves to be quality long-term material. But also keep in mind that holding out sex isn't the solution. Guys rank physical compatibility high on their list and are not very forgiving on that.

Quick Thought About Socializing

It's been nearly three months since I've written on the blog. I've been interacting with the members of the Wingman Labs but I thought it'd be good idea to share some of the content I've given them.

While this blog may have less frequent posts, I will continue to share or create solid and relevant content that will benefit you immediately. Of course, the occasional nonsense doesn't hurt anyone, right? This email was from a series of 3 emails talking about pacing in dating, how it affects men and women, and how to tweak your pacing for better results.

Enjoy.

How quickly do you move?

I've had the privilege to be in many places these past two months NYC, Boston, Fort Lauderdale, San Francisco, Mexico (to name some) and it's really shed a lot of light on the differences and similarities of how people interact, especially when it comes to dating.

One major similarity I've seen has been pacing of interactions. For the most part, people like when connections are sparked and progressed quickly -- the major difference is as long as the intention is clear and genuine.

From women that I've met in various cities, I've found they would prefer a guy look to court her (try to flirt, date, and have sex with her) aggressively and quickly as long as he states his interest openly, consistently and is genuine with his intentions.

So what does this mean?

For men, if taking more risks and pushing the interaction forward intimately is something you're not comfortable with, you're going to have a harder time keeping women's interest in the courtship process. While you're playing it safe with her, wining and dining, hoping to gain her approval each step of the way, she might be seeing another guy who is just as interested but isn't looking for approval or playing it safe. He's going after hat he wants: an emotional connection that's hoping to be paralleled by a physical spark.

More often than not, she going for that other guy -- and it's NOT because he's a "bad boy." I'm talking about something completely different. 

I will explain more in detail in each email this week but I want to plant the seed for the guys. And for the ladies who are reading this, I will also shed light on how this affects you and how you can use this information to help you find success with quality and compatible men.

How Facebook Can Affect Your Dating Life

This is a great inforgraphic showing how Facebook can affect not only your relationships but also your general social skills. And this is just Facebook alone. Imagine how the combination of other social networks can affect everything even more. Has Facebook affected your dating life? What about your other relationships? Did you even know "domestic partnership" was even a relationship status option? Leave comments below and let's talk about it.

The Key to Confidence Lies With Your Body

When I work with my clients, I tell them one very specific thing. Confidence is an emotion -- and emotion comes from motion. Motion in this case, is physically doing things that can trigger a confident emotion.

This was something I learned on my own when I was out at social venues.​ I started to notice that when I did certain things, it sparked a chemical rush in my body that I later evaluated as confidence. I also knew there had to be some science behind this theory. Now I have the video to prove it.

Thanks to my buddy, Sunny for sending this to me -- an amazing presentation by Amy Cuddy on how your body language shapes who you are.​ This is guaranteed to be one of the better things you'll watch this year.

Men Are Better With Money Than Women

It's science! This infographic shows men are better at managing money than credit. But trust me when I say, these stats go out of the window when it comes to men dating women they're attracted to. Do you know why? Ladies, do you disagree? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

How to Date Alicia Keys

Swizz Beatz just dropped 2 minutes of amazing knowledge on how to have a great relationship -- especially one as attractive and successful as Alicia Keys. Pay 1000% attention to his points as these will not only help you have a strong, long-lasting relationship, but also get you into one. Remember, communication starts at first glance.​