Tough Love #10: Is He "It?"

This continues my posts of Tough Love, a series of posts, giving direct advice to women based on the weekly VH1 show, Tough Love. If you have missed out on other posts, feel free to check out the other ones.

credit: flickr.com

Week 1: Creating a First Impression

Week 2: Communication

Week 3: Being Sexy

Week 4: Daddy & Dating

Week 5: The Wow Factor

Week 6: Date Crimes

Week 7: What's Your Price?

Week 8: Reconciling the Past With the Present

Week 9: Love Will Find You. But When?

Week 10: Is He "It?"

The honeymoon phase is over. Now, things are real. How do you know if he is legit? In all honesty, no one can really tell you that. Not even me.

It’s all in your gut.

There may be only a couple of times in your life where you’ll have the feeling he is the person you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes we’re wrong. Other times, we’re right.

Either way, the least you can do is ask yourself - and maybe him - a few questions to feel more certain.

How much are you willing to give him? What are you willing to do for him? If it’s short of everything, chances are, you’re not there yet.

Have both of you fully put yourself out there? Is all of the dirty laundry out? Have both your pasts been reconciled? The last thing you want is to think everything has been said and then you find out something MAJOR has been omitted. Put it all out there. Make sure you get the same.

Do you know what he is willing to do for you? Once again, if it’s short of everything, is it satisfactory?

Speaking of which, do you still love him despite him not meeting your every need?Bending is very different from breaking and many times, you’ll have to bend for true love. A simple example could be having a long-distance relationship. A more complicated example is being with a man who has a child (or children).

We all get nervous about someone being “it.” In a world that’s filled with doubt, negativity and infidelity, how can anyone blame you?

But in the end, all you have is your intuition and if you can get some of the questions answered above, you’ll be more at ease moving on with someone and happier, bringing your dating life to a close, and your love life to a new beginning.

Tough Love #9: Love Will Find You. But When?

This continues my posts of Tough Love, a series of posts, giving direct advice to women based on the weekly VH1 show, Tough Love. If you have missed out on other posts, feel free to check out the other ones.

Week 1: Creating a First Impression
Week 2: Communication
Week 3: Being Sexy
Week 4: Daddy & Dating
Week 5: The Wow Factor
Week 6: Date Crimes
Week 7: What's Your Price?
Week 8: Reconciling the Past With the Present
Week 9: Love Will Find You. But When?

It’s no secret that some of us waited a long for love - and some are still waiting. If a major fear of yours is dying alone or being single at an older age, then I’m sure you’ve thought about the implications to that actually happening.

The constant sabotage and the various things that are preventing you from a long-term relationship WILL affect your future, whether you like it or not. And NOW is the time to take care of those things.

Things like being a party girl in your twenties - and your thirties - trying to get married before you’re ready or have experienced all there is out there and being involved with someone who is married are all elements of a person looking in the wrong places for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

I’m sure you’d like to have children with the one you love, right? And I’m sure you’d like those children to have children too. As you get older, I regret to inform you but your stock decreases more and more. Your physical looks hold ZERO value at a certain point in your life. 

But it doesn’t mean that you need to rush and get into something that you don’t want or aren’t ready for. Maintain your priorities, work on YOU and don’t settle. 

Rather, make sure you’re satisfied.

True love is VERY hard to find and it takes time.

Know who you are, what you want and never be afraid to express that to someone who might be serious potential. At a certain point when dating a man, you need to get ALL of the important questions answered to REALLY decide if he’s “it.” 

This will be a good segue into the next post - later today.

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Tough Love #8: Reconciling the Past With the Present

This continues my posts of Tough Love, a series of posts, giving direct advice to women based on the weekly VH1 show, Tough Love. If you have missed out on other posts, feel free to check out the other ones.

Week 1: Creating a First Impression
Week 2: Communication
Week 3: Being Sexy
Week 4: Daddy & Dating
Week 5: The Wow Factor
Week 6: Date Crimes
Week 7: What's Your Price?
Week 8: Reconciling the Past

It’s one thing to move on from your past. It’s another to ignore it. The past is what has shaped you to be who you are today. We’ve all had our ups and downs.

But if you don’t reconcile your past, it will certainly have an effect on your present and undoubtedly, your future.

In dating, we’re talking about your most serious ex-boyfriend. Whatever ended your relationship can’t be undone. In the end, you have to ask yourself, “have I fully recovered? Can I legitimately move on?”

These answers usually shape what happens in your current life including decision-making and overall mentality toward dating.

What will happen if you run into him again? What if you are on a date or with a new boyfriend? How are you going to react?

Running into your ex while on a date WILL happen. It’s happened to me. Read it if you’d like to read my perspective.

If there is anything you take from this post, let it be this. If you are overcome with emotion, that’s a sign that you should confront them. If you do it, make sure it’s in a mature, non-abusive, non-aggressive manner.

Bring closure to the relationship quickly and then move on with your date, your boyfriend and your life.

By NO means invest more time with your past than your potential future. It is the worst look you could ever give yourself. A man will question his respect for you and wonder if you HAVE moved on. If you haven’t, it’s seen as a red flag (unnecessary baggage).

And don’t expect him to be excited or take initiative in doing anything involving you and your ex. He may be a little assertive in wanting to get back your attention but he’ll see that as risky, depending on what he can see from your reactions to seeing your ex. He’d rather keep it cool and not embarrass himself or you.

The best way to avoid this is to reconcile these things before getting back into the dating world.

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Tough Love #7: What's Your Price?

This continues my posts of Tough Love, a series of posts, giving direct advice to women based on the weekly VH1 show, Tough Love. If you have missed out on other posts, feel free to check out the other ones.

Week 1: Creating a First Impression
Week 2: Communication
Week 3: Being Sexy
Week 4: Daddy & Dating
Week 5: The Wow Factor
Week 6: Date Crimes
Week 7: What's Your Price? 

This week, we’re talking about MONEY. Yes, money. It can help relationships. It can certainly kill them. We all remember the FreeCreditReport.com commercial with the guy playing in the basement of her parents’ place because his girlfriend lied about her credit and couldn’t get a mortgage for a house.

On the flipside, your spending habits can be just as harmful. Is it going to cost a man to date you? These are the types of things men think about as seriously as he thinks about anything else (if he’s serious about a long-term relationship).

How responsible are you with money? Are you more likely to spend money more on things that aren’t necessary? Is your lifestyle conducive to having to own the most expensive clothes or eating at the best restaurants?

Your lifestyle choices may be irrelevant if you are self-sufficient and work your face off for the things you want. But what if you need to rely on someone for those things? What if he puts you in charge of his finances? Are you going to blow it away with spa treatments when you should be saving for your house together and future family?

Yes, men actually think about these things. 

That’s when it will be to your detriment. I’m sure you are aware of the term “gold digger.”  Men will look to see if a woman has those attributes and it’s not in what a woman has. It’s in the value of the items and where they came from. If she has a $4000 watch that a “friend” in Vegas gave to her, that’s a red flag.

To a man, when it comes to money, the cost of living with and for someone is important in determining the future of a relationship.

Your perception of money directly correlates with how you value life and the little things that come with it. Men are looking to see how appreciative you are of things that they give and if you don’t give a shit about them because it’s what you expect or demand, they will NOT stick around. I promise you that.

A man wants to provide the world to a woman because he WANTS to, not because he has or is expected to.

I remember when someone had asked me on Twitter about who should pick up the tab on a date. I said that at the very least, a woman should OFFER to pick up the tab and the gesture will go a VERY long way. I stand by this statement. Men don’t want you to pay or split the tab most of the time but to them, they know you are willing to offer your part in the relationship.

You think guys don’t think about those things? Well, this is one of the many ways guys can see what their relationship with you will be. Since we're on the topic, if you’re unsure how to go about that moment when the check comes, here are a couple of tips.

Make it into a game. Be silly about it. It’s almost as awkward as the moment at the end of a first date. Acknowledge it and laugh. As a guy, I know you are just making the gesture so if you have the humor to laugh about it, that tells me that you’re also playful on top of responsible. I didn’t say make fun of the fact that most likely, I’ll pay. There’s a difference.

Make it an excuse for a second date. Something as simple as, “okay, I’ll pay next time.” That indicates you would like a second date, which will put a man at ease. You’ll also indicate your notion of sharing the responsibility of the relationship, which like I’ve said before is keeper material.

In the end, be good with your money and men will be good with you.

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Tough Love #4: Daddy and Dating

This continues my posts of Tough Love, a series of posts, giving direct advice to women based on the weekly VH1 show, Tough Love. If you have missed out on other posts, feel free to check out the other ones.

credit: vh1.com

Week 1: Creating a First Impression

Week 2: Communication

Week 3: Being Sexy

Week 4: Daddy & Dating

This should NOT be a revelation for many women. A woman’s relationship with their father is a huge reflection on their relationships (or lack thereof) with the guys in their life.

Many doctors have said this and it doesn’t hurt to keep talking about it because many women may not know how to break through this major hurdle in their dating lives.

A woman’s relationship with her father tells just as much as a man’s relationship with his mother. I was never REALLY aware of this until later on in life and even then, I was very ignorant of it.

With many girlfriends who didn’t have great relationships with their fathers, I always let it slide, thinking that it was something else that I just didn’t understand.

Little did I realize that there was a strong connection between the two.

To make a giant leap towards getting through such a difficult sticking point, you have to reconcile with your father about the relationship (or lack thereof) and how it has affected your LIFE, let alone your dating life.

This reconciliation can range from writing your emotions down and reading them to a peer group to actually confronting him and saying these things to him (granted, he’s still alive or around).

These kinds of things can affect someone’s entire life without them even knowing, just from the decisions they make, how they react to situations and how they manage relationships both intimate and platonic.

When I was growing up, I had shitty relationships with my older siblings and it affected me when I was in school. I got picked on all the time and had NO idea how to even go about sticking up for myself.

Then when I got into my first fight in elementary school, I put someone in sling for a couple weeks, I realized something was wrong, but never knew what to do about it so I bottled up whatever it was inside. Before my older sister left for college, she left a letter for me apologizing for the way she treated me and actually loved having me as a little brother.

That made me feel amazing and I knew that my sister wanted to be involved in my life. Fortunately, my relationships with my older siblings have dramatically improved since I started high school and have been awesome since.

I have been able to learn a lot from my experiences, both past and present and use what I have learned to HELP my relationships grow and not sabotage them anymore. For that, I am grateful.

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As an aside, there was also a point of making sure that you and the guy you are with are on the same page. You have to make sure that the guy you are with aligns with what you want and what you are looking for (in a future sense).

DO NOT let a cute face distort what you hear. If you are looking to settle down and he’s looking to find someone to party with, you have to be able to know the difference and understand that it’s not good for what you want.

Sure, he’s good looking and he’s saying and doing all of the right things, but that’s only good for RIGHT NOW. He won’t be good for LATER and in turn leave you back at Square One, frustrated and with a higher sense of insecurity that will certainly go into the next relationship you start or at the very least show with the next guy you meet.

Keep your ears free from filters and understand the difference between what you are hearing and what you are actually seeing.

Tough Love #3: Being Sexy

This continues my posts of Tough Love, a series of posts, giving direct advice to women based on the weekly VH1 show, Tough Love. If you have missed out on other posts, feel free to check out the other ones.

Week 1: Creating a First Impression
Week 2: Communication
Week 3: Being Sexy

crdit:  vh1.com

In an episode that had more drama than average (if that’s even possible), it could be hard to find decent pearls of wisdom, but it’s possible.

To me, the key to being sexy is confidence. Just like a guy needs to project confidence to make him sexy, women MUST do the same thing.

And guys can tell if you’re trying too hard, just like women can tell when guys do it. And just like women, men are turned off by it.

What does being sexy and confident mean?

Being comfortable in your own skin, understanding what makes you attractive and subtly showing it off in a playful, yet intriguing way that makes you desirable.

For many women, that may mean to dress younger (to attract younger men) when in fact, they are in their late 30s. For some, that may mean to show excessive cleavage because they have the boobs to show them off. For others, that may mean to just wear tight, skimpy clothing.

None of those things are true and could be the reasons why you attract the men you don’t want in your life. It’s important that you to get out your own ways if you want to attract men you actually want in your life. Changing the way you look to project a different message is just one of those ways.

In a conversation that I had with my class over the weekend, one woman asked me what she could do to let a guy know that it’s ok to kiss her. I started to talk about how it’s important to be a little more aggressive in giving him hints and as soon as I said that, she was a little against it because she thought it was always the guy’s responsibility to make the move.

In many ways, I agree. But we also live in a world of giving and taking. If a woman won’t make even a subtle move, how is it fair to expect that the guy to do it, ESPECIALLY when he may not even be able to pick up the signals that it’s ok to?

All I’m saying is that if you want a guy to kiss you, you need to kiss him – strategically. You don’t have to kiss him on the lips. You can kiss him on the cheek OR you can go a little further by kissing him on the corner of lips.

Either way, it WILL tell the guy that you are making it ok for him to kiss you where you really want to be kissed – on the lips.

Projecting that kind of confidence can be infinitely sexy to men, especially when you do it in a way that is respectable.

What Women Can Learn From Tough Love

Some of you can’t stand reality TV shows. Others love reveling in someone else’s drama and demise. Personally, I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV. I remember a few summers ago, I was addicted to VH1’s The Pick Up Artist, Scott Baio is 45 and Single and Rock of Love Season 1. There was something about these shows that drew me to make sure I was home to watch them every Sunday night. A year later, it finally occurred to me what that was.

I was addicted to analyzing the progress of people’s personal development.

I figured that by watching these people through the various personalities and tribulations that they went through, I could find something that I can learn to help my life and know what to do should I encounter a similar situation.

Unfortunately, those shows are purely for entertainment and have zero educational quality these days. However, there is one that has a little bit of educational value.

VH1’s Tough Love.

Over the course of several weeks, I’ll have a post talking about the theme and what you can learn from each episode. I am a little behind schedule here so stay tuned later today for a quick updates from the first three episodes.

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